Today's King of England is tall, badass, and controversial.
Today we have King Edward I! The eldest son of Henry III, Edward was no stranger to politics and war... he grew up surrounded by crusades, war, and rebellion, and he took to it like a fish in water. Although he once fought against his own father, they reconciled, and he led the charge against the rebellious barons in the 2nd Barons' War. - Named "Edward" after Edward the Confessor by his rather obsessive father. - Nicknamed "Longshanks" due to his towering height.... six foot two. (He was a monster at the time.) - Was known to be violent and unruly, even at a very young age. - Married Eleanor, a Castillian Princess. Like his father, he was utterly devoted to her, loyal, and loving. He was not known to have any mistresses. - Was captured with his father and jailed by the Barons while still a teenager. However, one day, he was allowed to go out riding, with supervision. He rode fast and hard enough to tire out his horse, and the horses of all his guards. He then quickly jumped on a fresh horse and galloped away, leaving the guards and their tired horses in the dust. - Immediately waged war against his former captors, and at the battle of Evesham, he mutilated the body of Simon du Montfort, dragging it around the field, cutting it into pieces, and sending parts in boxes to Simon's associates. - This action earned him hatred and mistrust from the nobility. Edward, realizing his error, toned down the psychotic bloodlust and actually became a rather charming politician. - Joined the 9th crusade, which didn't amount to much. Was attacked by a Muslim assassin, who he killed hand to hand, but was wounded. - Found out his father had died, but took two more years to slowly make his way home, partly due to his injury, partly because it was part of his plan. - Upon his return, he began the "Quo Warranto" (by what warrant?) trials. Nobles had to provide written evidence that they were, indeed, given their position and privileges by the monarchy. If they could not, they lost it to King Edward. While this infuriated some barons, it was mainly corrupt barons who had gained their power illegally. Honest barons were then given much of the confiscated lands. Edward had removed enemies of his father, brought the loyal barons to his side, and fought corruption all in one fell swoop... and all without breaking the provisions of Magna Carta. He used the law, rather than fighting it. - Wished to make war in France, but first, he wound up embroiled in a war with Wales. After crushing Llewelyn ap Gruffidd, Lord of Wales, he gave his baby son, Edward, the entirety of Wales as a gift. The heir to the throne is called the "Prince of Wales" to this day. - Built castles all over Wales to exert his power in a very visual manner. Many still stand today. - When his wife died young, he was grief stricken. He had crosses built at every place where her coffin stopped for the night on the funeral procession. Most of those places, such as Charing Cross and King's Cross, still bear the name today. - Was called to mediate a succession dispute in Scotland after young princess Margaret died. Edward backed the less popular John Balliol, knowing full well that Scotland backed the hated France. Now that Balliol owed Edward his crown, Edward demanded that Scotland help him fight France. Balliol refused, Edward crushed Scotland. - Famously ripped the symbols of office off John Balliol in front of his own people. He had the Stone of Scone, (the rock that all Scottish kings sat on during their coronation,) sent back to England and put in his own throne, where it stayed until about 20 years ago. - Upon giving the now useless seal of Scotland back to John Balliol, is said to have stated, "A man who divests himself of a turd has done a good thing." - Did not like his son, who showed signs of being homosexual from a young age. King Edward exiled his son's boyfriend, Piers Gaveston. - Contrary to popular belief, Edward never claimed "Prima Nocta" in Scotland. (Such a law actually never existed, anyway.) However, he was particularly unfair and brutal to the Scots, earning him a perpetual enemy, a bad reputation, and the nickname "The Hammer of the Scots." (Which is engraved on his tomb to this day.) - Was a great lover of the legend of King Arthur. Even had a round table built for himself and his councelers. It hangs today in Westminster Abbey. - Was said to be so intimidating, he actually KILLED someone without lifting a finger. The Dean of St. Paul's came to complain about high taxes. It is said that as soon as he was in the King's presence, he fell over and died. (Probably of a heart attack.) - Created Parliament as a permanent institution. In addition, he allowed peasants and knights to be in parliament, a move that earned him the disdain of some barons, but the adoration of the people.... (And control over much of the country.) He didn't actually HAVE to listen to anything they said... but the seeds of popular government had been planted. - Needed money to fund his war. Since the crown and most of the nobles owed the Jewish moneylenders more than anyone else, Edward simply expelled all the Jews by law in 1290. He took all their possessions and told them to get out or be jailed. Adolf Hitler would use a similar tactic later. - Unlike the representation in "Braveheart," William Wallace did not outlive Edward. Edward had him killed without much pomp or ceremony. King Edward lived for 2 more years. - After Wallace's death, Edward intended to go back to war with France. However, the Scots rebelled (again) under Robert the Bruce. Edward was on the way to fight him when he took ill and died at the age of 68. On his deathbed, he demanded that his son's boyfriend, Gaveston, be kept out of England at all costs. His son would promptly ignore that order... setting the stage for one of the worst reigns in English history. Centuries later, a director named Mel Gibson would make him look like a complete tyrant. This is rather unfair, as the real Edward Longshanks was a very admired and respected King in his day. Brutal, yes, but also a man who cared deeply for his legacy, his God, and his kingdom. |
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